I know regret is a pretty useless feeling. We can't change the past.
The only thing I can do is make myself better now. But what to do when that just makes me feel worse?
The point? There are people who used to be a big part of my life, who I haven't seen or talked to in years, that didn't get the best me.
Am I the best me now? I certainly hope not. I wish I was calmer, more caring, less selfish, I wish I could learn to let go and live in the moment instead of worrying all the time. I never want to be done growing and changing.
But when I look back, I was...frankly...kind of a bitch all through college.
I had a really good friend in school. I thought we'd be old ladies together, but I haven't seen her for 4 years. I didn't agree with a lot of the decisions she made with her life, and she was hard to deal with sometimes...but who's perfect? Not me. I blew her off a few times when she needed me and just wasn't a very good friend.
And, of course, there's the big oops of my life. The reason I over analyze everything I do. I made a huge decision because parents, church, society...my dumb 21-year-old brain made me think getting married was a good idea.
It wasn't, but not because the guy was a bad guy. Quite the opposite.
Who did what and who's family took over our lives and who did or didn't treat our marriage like it mattered...doesn't matter.
Because no matter what happened, I didn't handle it right.
I was mean. SO mean. I stopped trying very early. No reasonable circumstance should have made me react like that. It wasn't the ideal situation, but I rebelled like a stubborn teenager.
And now I feel like I don't deserve to be where I am now. I wanted to leave him because his family told us I could never get a job anywhere else. Now I have a great job in Springfield and don't really want to leave. I didn't like feeling trapped in a marriage and now I'm 3 months away from walking down the aisle again.
I can't make anything right. But I want to...there's no way to. The only thing I can wish is that these things never happened, and Apple doesn't make time machines yet.
Is this normal? Is this life?
Regret is something that should only be used for gaining perspective on life's past decisions. For there, one should ideally move forward.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to make the supposedly "better" decisions during the past decade, I wonder where I would be now. I keep getting the feeling my life wouldn't be nowhere near as exciting or filled with stories if I stuck with the "go to college, get diploma, become American corporate whore, maybe get married in 4-to-6+ years" plan. I imagine I wouldn't have met as many friends and acquaintances as I have now if I stuck to the supposed "American Dream" plan. Is there uncertainty in my current life? Sure! But at least I'm trying to enjoy it rather than just living for the mere status of being "successful".
I only got to see a glimpse of your life as DJ Ca$h during what I called the "Golden Age of Karaoke". Going to the sushi bar almost religiously on Friday nights to watch and participate in what I considered the best hosts of Friday Night Karaoke I have seen so far. Aside from that, I knew you were doing media in college, but I didn't see you much outside of it.
Now, several years have passed. Many of us have gone our separate directions, but were still around here and there. Hey, we haven't learned to leave planet Earth yet and the advent of the social network makes it a tad bit easier to say "Hi". So..."Hi!" For a few of us, there's still an opportunity to get to know us college kids again if you so desire. I do wish you luck on your endeavors for one should enjoy the journey rather than the destination. You know where to stalk me... ^_^
- Cecil Daniel