Water Your Own Yard

I'm not one that should give relationship advice.

Married at 21...divorced by 25...married again at 27.

I said in my wedding vows--the second ones--that my relationship with Mike is "The perfect combination of chaos and comfort, of peace and passion." And that's really how I feel...I was not planning on getting married again so soon, but it was just right. Not boring, not easy, but I love him, and "we're better together than apart...it's you and me against the world, baby."

Ah. Wedding vows. So we go from that to reality.

Honestly, to think of 20, 30 years from now scares me.

Will we fall apart? Will we change? Are we still going to love each other? 

Not my whole world, but a part of it has been turned completely upside down, and I'm not sure if 2 people can really stay truly in love anymore. 

Maybe I should have just given into my hippie, liberal tendencies, "lived in sin," and shunned the institution of marriage.

But I am committed to NOT making the mistakes I see around me. Here's the plan...what we've committed to do so that things don't get so bad that we get to the point of hurting each other beyond what we can forgive:

• Talk before something is a problem. It may seem like we have a lot of "little talks," but those little talks get things out in the open, and let us fix problems before we end up having a big fight!
• Walk a mile I'm not always right, (don't tell Mike!) and he isn't either. It's easy to see things from only my perspective, but he's a different person...and I love that! Oh my gosh, I could not stand living with someone exactly like me! He's had different experiences, sees things differently, handles things differently than I do. So if we disagree, or he does something I don't understand, it's important that I try to see where he's coming from...and realize that his intentions were most likely coming from a good place.
• Act like he's still my boyfriend Let's get real. I'm not even going to pretend that I'm not wearing pajama pants, an old T-shirt, and my glasses with my hair all crazy right now. BUT, just because I'm married doesn't mean that I don't have to try to look nice for my husband. I want to keep myself healthy, fit, and try to take a little pride in my appearance most of the time.
• Take care of each other We tell each other when we need help, and we don't get bitter about giving help. I want Mike to know that I'm always there for him when he needs me.
• Commit to fight If we hit a rough patch (and I'm assuming we will) We're not going to give up. We'll sacrifice sleep, money...whatever it takes to fix our problems.

It comes down to what this song says: "Water your own yard...when the other man's grass looks greener, water your own yard."

I don't have all the answers, but I'm trying. I want to be the couple that makes it...even though we drive each other crazy...I want us to grow together, not apart.

I want us to learn from each other, to make each other better people.

I didn't try with my last marriage...I want to try with all my heart with this one. I don't want to give up. I want to do the work, every day.

And I hope he does too.

On a completely unrelated note...Cody Canada and the Departed...bad ass. IF you like the above.

LOVE,
Carrie

No Such Thing

If I ever have kids, I'm going to be a weird parent. Aside from the fact that my kids will have a mom with a Johnny Cash tattoo who works at a TV station, I have decided I'm going to ask my children some weird questions after we watch a movie.

Do you think Cinderella had trouble fitting in with Prince Charming's family?

Does being fairy-tale royalty come with health insurance? What do you think happened when Prince Jr. needed braces?

After snagging her dream guy at the age of 16, do you think they stayed together after she went to college?

What did they do when she wanted to go out with her friends and he wanted to stay home and watch TV?

Did they change as they grew up and realize they wanted different things?





It's great he realized he was in love with her instead of the woman he stayed with out of convenience for all those years...

But do you think the ex harassed the new gal with threatening phone calls? Or let the air out of her tires at work?

What kind of strain did that put on their relationship?

Contrary to what pretty much any romantic comedy or television series finale would have us believe, there's no such thing as a happy ending.

I don't mean that in a cynical, emo, "my soul is black and so is the world" way. Just that the idea of an "ending" to anything at all in life is kinda silly.

Maybe I was just an anti-social child who spent too much time at the video rental store or in my room watching TV. I'm probably too old to just now be adopting this outlook, and it's possible everyone else learned this lesson a long time ago. But I think unrealistic expectations have been a big source of stress and disappointment in my life, and I'd suspect it's to blame for a lot of other people's bad attitudes too.

Not that I thought that I was Cher from "Clueless" or Kelly from "Saved by the Bell." But I always thought if were prettier, everything would be great. If I had a Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt, I'd fit in with the popular girls and high school would be awesome. When I find a boyfriend we'll ride off into the sunset together and life will look like a montage from a Taylor Swift music video...

When I graduate college and get a "real job," it'll be smooth sailing. If we can get through this disagreement, our relationship will be nothing but kisses and hugs and laughs and wine.

But life is always one more thing...one more problem, one more stress, one more bill. The way things are at any moment is never how they're going to be forever. That fact is a comfort when you're crying, and a dull ache when you're on top of the world.

My fiance and I will never be "done" making our relationship the best it can be. Even when we've been together for 30 years. I'll never be done looking for challenges at work, or ways to make myself better at whatever it is I'm doing. There's always going to be a future that will bring expenses, sickness, or people who make me want to cry.

And it's these things that make us who we are. A mistake hurts my pride at the time...but I won't slip up in that area next time. A hard week waiting for the next paycheck forces me to look for ways to be smarter with my money.


Being healthy and fit is a journey, not a destination. (Unfortunately!) Everything in life is the same way. Thinking otherwise will make a person disappointed at every turn. We would all be pretty bored if there came a point in life where we were all "done." Done like a delicious chocolate cake with chocolate frosting...mmmmmm...

So, when I say I don't believe in happy endings, I don't mean I don't believe in love or happiness or cute little babies or America or all that stuff.
And I'm not delusional. I know movies and TV shows are just entertainment. A way to escape...and viewers need closure and happy endings.

On that note, I will close by saying, "roll the credits and cue the upbeat '80s radio hit of your choice!"
Hope you enjoyed the show.