More Thoughts on the No-Kids Thing

I'm just sayin'
Look at the comments and you'll see that I'm in the minority. I just enjoy advocating for the not-so-popular opinion...especially when I agree with the not-so-popular opinion.
The No-Baby Boom Critical Eye: Details.com

The Way to Be?

"Childfree"

It's a word!

I've been doing my research!

Now that Mike has made an honest woman out of me, of course, there's the kid question.

And right now we're thinking about it. As we get ready to build our life and our dreams...buy a house...plan careers...

I know people say, "if you wait until you're ready to have kids, you'll never be ready." But I don't want to buy a pricey house only to realize we can't afford it when Little Mike or Little Carrie comes along.

We're leaning toward NOT. That's right...NOT. I'm already an outcast in Sunday school, so being the only woman who hasn't brought forth life from my womb won't bother me.

I can't speak for my hubby as to why he feels the way he does.

I can just say that I have never had that maternal desire or instinct. It's not that I hate kids, I just don't think I want to be around one all the time. I am always stressed out, always worrying, and always high strung. I don't want to bring up a kid in that...they'd turn out like...uh, me.

I like my time alone, I like to eat my food when it's hot, and I LOVE sleep.

But, aside from the "practical" reasons I could list for not having kids that people would try to argue with me about, or give me a parent's 3 favorite words, "it's worth it," it's really just that I don't really, REALLY want any. In my opinion, that's the only reason people should have kids.

Not because it's just something you do, not because you think it will save your marriage or make your spouse grow up, not because you want someone to love you.

I get annoyed when I see people who just have kids. Just because the ole biological clock is ticking. Then the child doesn't feel really welcome and loved and a part of the family. Babies are cute...angsty teenagers are not.

I have concerns, my plan isn't flawless. Who will take care of me when I'm old? But I shouldn't bring a baby into the world and already give him a job! Who am I going to spend the holidays with? Okay, friends, I can cook, so...I should have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving!

I've told people I feel this way, and I get the "WHY NOT? Why would you not want kids?!"

Why am I the one that has to justify my decision?

I will never say never. I am still young, and could totally change my mind. I found that word "childfree" and realized there's a community of people who seem pretty grumpy and have an "us against them" mentality toward people who DO have kids. I don't want to be like that!

I just want to be me. And I want it to be accepted that I am still a whole person who loves life and has a great marriage, whether I have kids or not.

I could write so much more...but I won't. All the parents I know are great; I have so much respect for them.

I just don't want the burden of proof that I'm worth something to be on me...just because I don't think the world needs a mini me.

Besides, I have this:

Back to the Grind

We had SO much fun in Myrtle Beach!

It was seriously the most relaxing, stress free vacation I've ever been on. Mike and I make a good team...we dealt with cancelled flights and getting lost without fighting!

We are headed back to work tonight. I expected to be sad (like I was the day after the wedding) but I'm ready to be home.

Every other vacation I've taken I DREADED coming home...but now things are different. I am super pumped to come back to my life. I finally feel comfortable in my world.

I am looking forward to summer: Cardinals games, pool time, cooking, taking Cash to the park...

I enjoy my job, I am ready to go back to work.

I have several friends who are expecting babies soon, so I look forward to being a part of their lives. Ya'll HAVE to let me be Crazy Aunt Carrie!

Aaaand we are looking to buy a house next fall. That will be challenging and fun. I can't wait to paint and decorate!

I have so much to look forward to...I'm hoping to stay connected to all of the great people who made my wedding day so much fun (everyone!) I want to keep "working on my fitness," as Fergie would say. (the pop star...not the Duchess) And I am hoping to be more crafty. I think shopping at Hobby Lobby does that to people.

Oh, and I need to get a library card! I miss reading. Not planning a wedding leaves one with much free time.

More fantastically written posts are coming, but I did take a sleeping pill so I could go to bed at 3 pm...back to my old lady schedule...so I'll say "good night."

Sweet 27

Exactly 1 year ago today, my handsome Mike asked me to marry him. Just a year before that, I had proclaimed I didn't want to get married again until at least 30...

27 is close enough, right? Wait a minute...

I don't like getting older.

I know I'm not old at all, but I feel like it today. My hope is that I can keep working out, eating healthy, and having fun so I can stay as "young" as possible for as long as possible.

I am enjoying my birthday, though! I had to fast for 12 hours for an insurance screening at work, which I handled better than I thought. (No food generally equals grumpy Carrie.) But my pretty Natalie brought me delicious cake pop company cupcakes to make me smile.

Then I embarrassed myself by burying my head in Mike's shoulder while the wellness people took my blood. For the record, getting blood dug out of your finger is way worse than getting a tattoo!

And then I got to go to Olive Garden. I love Olive Garden! And Mike talked me into getting this for dessert...



If you do a Google search for "Olive Garden Chocolate Strata Cake," the first thing that pops up is nutrition info. I didn't want to know how many calories were in that thing!

The sweetest part of my birthday? A 4 day weekend. I need it! These last 2 weeks have been pretty stressful.

I plan on watching evening TV I usually miss when I'm sleeping and getting some wedding stuff done. And yoga...lots of yoga.

Love and hugs!
Carrie

Regret

I know regret is a pretty useless feeling. We can't change the past.

The only thing I can do is make myself better now. But what to do when that just makes me feel worse?

The point? There are people who used to be a big part of my life, who I haven't seen or talked to in years, that didn't get the best me.

Am I the best me now? I certainly hope not. I wish I was calmer, more caring, less selfish, I wish I could learn to let go and live in the moment instead of worrying all the time. I never want to be done growing and changing.

But when I look back, I was...frankly...kind of a bitch all through college.

I had a really good friend in school. I thought we'd be old ladies together, but I haven't seen her for 4 years. I didn't agree with a lot of the decisions she made with her life, and she was hard to deal with sometimes...but who's perfect? Not me. I blew her off a few times when she needed me and just wasn't a very good friend.

And, of course, there's the big oops of my life. The reason I over analyze everything I do. I made a huge decision because parents, church, society...my dumb 21-year-old brain made me think getting married was a good idea.

It wasn't, but not because the guy was a bad guy. Quite the opposite.

Who did what and who's family took over our lives and who did or didn't treat our marriage like it mattered...doesn't matter.

Because no matter what happened, I didn't handle it right.

I was mean. SO mean. I stopped trying very early. No reasonable circumstance should have made me react like that. It wasn't the ideal situation, but I rebelled like a stubborn teenager.

And now I feel like I don't deserve to be where I am now. I wanted to leave him because his family told us I could never get a job anywhere else. Now I have a great job in Springfield and don't really want to leave. I didn't like feeling trapped in a marriage and now I'm 3 months away from walking down the aisle again.

I can't make anything right. But I want to...there's no way to. The only thing I can wish is that these things never happened, and Apple doesn't make time machines yet.

Is this normal? Is this life?

My Spot

Minds out of the gutter.

I'm kidding.

Two posts in one day!
I'm off work in the morning, and in a great mood after a good time at a Pampered Chef Party. Yum! Let's just pretend I didn't spend $70.

Anyway...I'd like to use the phrase, "long story short." But I know myself too well so I'll just say I'll make a very long story only semi-long.

I was an English/writing superstar in high school. Everyone told me how good I was at writing poetry, papers, and movie and music reviews. But, as with most things in life there's always someone who's better. Stephanie Hunter.

She wrote this column for the school newspaper that was full of big words, deep, mature thoughts, and clever turns of phrase. In contrast, I wrote a movie review of "What Women Want" starring Mel Gibson that a lot of people liked. I have no clue what Stephanie is doing now, but she made me feel like I wasn't supposed to be a writer.

Almost 10 years later I'm just now figuring things out, becoming my own person, and getting to the place God wants me to be at work, at home, and in my mind and heart.

I say that to illustrate that I had no idea then...I had no idea at 18 when I went off to college...no idea when I kept changing my major...no idea when I planned to run off to Nashville.

My freshman year was spent at Mizzou. I started out as a Journalism major. Then I decided the J-school was too hard so I changed to general media studies. Sophomore year brought me back home to Missouri State University. English Education? Sure, why not.

Then I reunited with my high school dream. I had originally wanted to go to Belmont University in Nashville. I wanted to work in country or Christian music...on a tour...doing something. I'd eventually work up to A & R or marketing at a record company.

I blame this bug on Keith Urban's 2006 CD, "Love, Pain and the Whole Crazy Thing." Love it. One of my favorite CD's EVER. I don't remember why I abandoned my dream in the first place. I know I didn't go to Belmont partly for a relationship that ended when we left for college anyway. Lame.

I graduated from MSU with a Mass Media major/Marketing minor in '07. I still wanted to go to Music City. I'd work on music video sets...I wanted to organize things, call people, do some heavy lifting. I STILL want to work on a televised music awards show someday. I wanted to be a mover and shaker on the Nashville scene. I still want to be Miranda Lambert's BFF.

This was all before the economy went downhill.

But now I'm discovering what I really wanted was to do something that I was meant to do.

Was I meant to be someone's tour manager? Or a record company executive? I don't like where the sound of most country music is headed these days. (It's all the same sound really.) And I've had opportunities to get close to the industry a few times and I frankly don't think I'm enough of an ass to make it in that world.

I'm still here in Southwest Missouri and I think there's a reason. Mike or I would have to get a ridiculous raise that would make it worth a move and the cost of living to leave at this point. I leave that open ended, and will never say never, though!

My father always loved my writing and was always incredibly supportive. He was disappointed when I kinda left that behind. I HATE to say he was right, but...he was.

What I was always after was what I like to call my "Spot." My place...the thing I'm naturally good at without busting my butt trying. The thing that I can do for hours and be amazed that so much time has passed. The thing I look forward to doing.

Not everyone finds their spot. I always thought that I would. Not to say I'm more super-special than anyone else...I've just always wanted a career, not a job. 100% has gone into everything I've done, and I can't give any less. It's just the way I am.

I've been able to do more writing at work in the last couple of months, and I love it! I look forward to going in, the time flies by, and I have heard good things about my work.

The problem? It's not my job. I just do it during the time I used to be bored.

Now I'm pursuing an opportunity to get paid to write. The problem...I have no experience so I'm understandably being kept waiting.

I'd have experience if I had stayed with journalism in the beginning. And, yes, my dad HAS said, "I told you so."

I really want this job. I have so many ideas. I care so much about where I work. I know with some training I can do it. I'm tired of having the word "assistant" in front of my name. This would be MINE and I know I can handle it.

I have found something I'm good at. I'm confident about the things I want to do.

For now, my spot's still open...I just hope if I don't get it this time around, I'll get another chance.

No Such Thing

If I ever have kids, I'm going to be a weird parent. Aside from the fact that my kids will have a mom with a Johnny Cash tattoo who works at a TV station, I have decided I'm going to ask my children some weird questions after we watch a movie.

Do you think Cinderella had trouble fitting in with Prince Charming's family?

Does being fairy-tale royalty come with health insurance? What do you think happened when Prince Jr. needed braces?

After snagging her dream guy at the age of 16, do you think they stayed together after she went to college?

What did they do when she wanted to go out with her friends and he wanted to stay home and watch TV?

Did they change as they grew up and realize they wanted different things?





It's great he realized he was in love with her instead of the woman he stayed with out of convenience for all those years...

But do you think the ex harassed the new gal with threatening phone calls? Or let the air out of her tires at work?

What kind of strain did that put on their relationship?

Contrary to what pretty much any romantic comedy or television series finale would have us believe, there's no such thing as a happy ending.

I don't mean that in a cynical, emo, "my soul is black and so is the world" way. Just that the idea of an "ending" to anything at all in life is kinda silly.

Maybe I was just an anti-social child who spent too much time at the video rental store or in my room watching TV. I'm probably too old to just now be adopting this outlook, and it's possible everyone else learned this lesson a long time ago. But I think unrealistic expectations have been a big source of stress and disappointment in my life, and I'd suspect it's to blame for a lot of other people's bad attitudes too.

Not that I thought that I was Cher from "Clueless" or Kelly from "Saved by the Bell." But I always thought if were prettier, everything would be great. If I had a Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt, I'd fit in with the popular girls and high school would be awesome. When I find a boyfriend we'll ride off into the sunset together and life will look like a montage from a Taylor Swift music video...

When I graduate college and get a "real job," it'll be smooth sailing. If we can get through this disagreement, our relationship will be nothing but kisses and hugs and laughs and wine.

But life is always one more thing...one more problem, one more stress, one more bill. The way things are at any moment is never how they're going to be forever. That fact is a comfort when you're crying, and a dull ache when you're on top of the world.

My fiance and I will never be "done" making our relationship the best it can be. Even when we've been together for 30 years. I'll never be done looking for challenges at work, or ways to make myself better at whatever it is I'm doing. There's always going to be a future that will bring expenses, sickness, or people who make me want to cry.

And it's these things that make us who we are. A mistake hurts my pride at the time...but I won't slip up in that area next time. A hard week waiting for the next paycheck forces me to look for ways to be smarter with my money.


Being healthy and fit is a journey, not a destination. (Unfortunately!) Everything in life is the same way. Thinking otherwise will make a person disappointed at every turn. We would all be pretty bored if there came a point in life where we were all "done." Done like a delicious chocolate cake with chocolate frosting...mmmmmm...

So, when I say I don't believe in happy endings, I don't mean I don't believe in love or happiness or cute little babies or America or all that stuff.
And I'm not delusional. I know movies and TV shows are just entertainment. A way to escape...and viewers need closure and happy endings.

On that note, I will close by saying, "roll the credits and cue the upbeat '80s radio hit of your choice!"
Hope you enjoyed the show.